I feel as though I’ve risen to the surface of a deep, dark pond and taken my first breath in days. The sorrow and rage and self-loathing of the last 72+ hours is lifting. I’ve stopped crying at the drop of a hat. I feel like I’m coming to my senses. I’ve managed to write a little today.

I’m not sure, but my recent emotional upheavals might be related to my Synthroid dose changes. An increase in depression symptoms was likely to occur.  It doesn’t negate what I felt, but it makes me wonder how much of the intensity was physical, either thyroid or estrogen-related.

All I know is that my coping skills – my focus on gratitude, my willingness to accept my circumstances, and the ability to reframe a situation – evaporated. I was one exceedingly raw, exposed nerve.

I really hope that’s the last ride on this roller coaster for a while.

I still need to deal with my maternal relationship. That hasn’t changed. And, if I’m smart, I’ll admit how unprepared I am to make these changes. I need all the guidance and support I can muster. So, I’ve decided to check in with my psychiatrist and therapist.

It’s probably a good time to do more mindfulness activities, like meditation, and I may need to increase my antidepressant dose.

It’s likely I’ll need someone versed in these dynamics to help me navigate my mom’s reactions, and to help me remember to treat her as someone who’s ill. As much as I may hurt, it doesn’t excuse me from the responsibility of being decent toward her. I need to do it with compassion and kindness.

I know that sounds specious when the upshot is I’m going no-contact. There’s no way to do that without hurting her, but I can do my best not to compound that hurt.

I’m willing to meet with my mom in a family therapy setting. There, we might build a relationship that’s sustainable. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is resistant to many therapeutic approaches. A 70-year-old woman with BPD is unlikely to engage in sudden introspection, but it’s not outside the realm of possibility.

I think we both need a bit of hope, a little faith in each other, if either of us is to get well.


2 thoughts on “Surfacing

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