Where’s the Kink?

If you’re a new reader, you’ve probably glanced at the preceding post titles and wondered, where’s all the kink and poly stuff? That IS what this blog is about, right? And it is, but the truth about being poly and kinky is that most of the time, it looks exactly like everyone else’s life. It just has a few more people in it.

I’m sure it’s a strange concept for a lot of people. How can you say you’re committed to one person if you’re involved with another?

In the case of both kink and polyfidelity, my answer is the same: everyone involved is on the same page as to the nature and rules of the relationships. Everything is explicit and agreed upon. This is not to say mistakes can’t be made or that feelings don’t get hurt, but the strength of mutli-partner relationships comes down to the ability of all parties to sit down and communicate.

For example, right now, I’m a bit stuck from the lack of daylight. My libido is still low, and I’m generally less affectionate and touch-y. My husband has been through these cycles now for over twenty years, but my boyfriend hasn’t (we celebrated our 2-year anniversary last month). He’s familiar with my depression, but not to the same degree, so I make an effort to express ‘where I’m at’ when we’re together, especially when I’m not cuddly or kissy. It’s a horrible position for him to be in, so the least I can do is reassure him that it’s totally me. Our relationship is on sound footing – I just need a big dose of warm, sunny weather. Like, for the next 20 years…

Even as helpful as kink has been in the past getting me out of funks, (the pain and endorphins can be a great reset) it isn’t a cure-all. The last few times my boyfriend and I tried impact play, all it managed to do was piss me off.

For a vanilla (non-kinky) person, it’d be the equivalent of having your favorite pasttime suck: the fish aren’t biting, or you keep rolling gutterballs. And usually, the harder you try to make it stop sucking, the worse it gets. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.

Kink can be very artistic. Shibari, for example, is a beautiful interplay of line and curve that uses the human body as canvas.

Kink is often physically demanding in ways that mirror athleticism – things like balance, stamina, pain-tolerance. It is the physical stresses (and yes, some psychological ones, too) that produce the endorphin rush of runner’s high. For kinksters, that high is part of what we call subspace.

Kink, in many ways, is no different than any other social, recreational activity.

For some, it’s team sports. For me, it’s getting naked with a fellow pervert or two, or even a whole bunch of them (and, which doesn’t necessarily involve sexual contact of any kind).

I can virtually guarantee that people in the kink community have healthier body images than the average person. You have to be comfortable in your own skin to bare yourself physically and emotionally in the presence of others. If nothing else, it forces you to confront a lot of assumptions.

If I had to define kink through my personal experience, I would say it is the planned, negotiated, deliberate manipulation of vulnerability and heightened emotional states, which can result – over time – in personal growth. You discover strength by exploring pain and fear in a safe, controlled environment. You learn how to build trust and let go. If this sounds almost therapeutic, it should. The precepts of safe, sane, and consensual activity provide an environment for people to work through their demons. The kink community also provides acceptance. There’s a mnemonic in the community that underscores non-judgment: YKINMKBYKIOK (Your Kink Is Not My Kink, But Your Kink Is O.K.)

Despite what Criminal Minds might have you believe, not everyone who gets into kink does so out of ‘being broken’. (Don’t get me started on how many episodes have a perp who’s a ‘sexual sadist’). But, I believe that many people find, as I have, that kink is a pathway to deal with brokenness. It can be an important element of healing – either because it allows us to process past trauma, or because it helps us discover who we are in the here and now – it helps us find the self we’ve hidden away, and it welcomes that self into the world.

Whew, I didn’t realize I had all that in there.

Where’s the kink? I guess, there’s ^ ^ the kink.

You’re welcome? 😉





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