Hello, 2019

The last few days of 2018 and the first of 2019 have been a mixed bag.

A thoughtfully-curated, Deadpool-themed Christmas gift for my husband was a smash success. (It included a small stuffed unicorn, blue crocs, and a card which read, “hashtag driveby”). My boyfriend made the card on a letterpress; suffice to say, I was thrilled to enlist him in my scheme. The hubby still laughs about it whenever he sees the crocs in the closet. (I love being ‘all sorts of wrong’ for my guys. I love that I can find goofy, unexpected ways to put smiles on their faces.)

I celebrated my birthday with my hubby and boyfriend at a favorite spot in downtown Minneapolis (112 Eatery). Soooo yummy. Ate way too much, of course, and they had to nearly roll me to the car, but it was totally worth it.

On NYE, I watched the ball drop with my hubby and we kissed at midnight. And though my libido is still on the fritz, we enjoyed some sexy fun while he was on vacation, and broke in a new flogger.

But, the last two weeks have not been all fun and games.

My father-in-law decided to discontinue his current course of treatment. Scans revealed his tumor is not shrinking, and the chemo has exacted a heavy toll. He is constantly exhausted. My husband will be with him and his mom next week for a consultation with a different doctor. Hopefully there is promise with the remaining treatment option.

We’ll learn more on Monday.

I’ve noticed an almost physical discomfort in my chest when hope and doubt clash.  I imagine family and friends of cancer patients are all too familiar with the sensation. Our optimism must be guarded and ‘reasonable’, and we must not slip into despair, for once we do, we fear our pessimism will infect everyone, and all that we hold dear will collapse like dominoes.

We smile and pretend not to worry, especially my husband’s mom. I know she’s an incredibly strong woman, but given the many losses the family has suffered over the past several years, I’m concerned for her well-being. Her generation is loathe to ask for help unless they absolutely need it, so I can only imagine the burden she is carrying.

I know there is nothing substantial I can do for my in-laws, except to offer assistance, to be as positive and supportive as I can when I am with them, and to take some chores off their plate. It hardly seems like enough, but I imagine every little bit helps. I may not have a lot to give, but I can give what I have.

Regardless of what we learn next week, I will choose optimism because there is enough worry and stress to go around.

Let me close, dear readers, with my wish for you: I hope that 2019 finds you all in good health and bright spirits. May this be a safe, prosperous, and joyful year for you and your loved ones.

 

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