Opening My Eyes

One of the things I love about my (our) polycule is how my husband and boyfriend advocate for one another. I don’t know if this is typical of polydom, or if it’s a consequence of these two being such awesome guys. What I do know is that their willingness to consider each other’s needs and feelings helps me become a better partner for both of them.

Last week, my hubby spoke to me about my tendency to stay home on date weekends if I’m not feeling 100 %, but am well enough to spend low-key time with my boyfriend. I know it’s not that he’s trying to get rid of me; we both enjoy one another’s company. He also understands that because of my sensitivities, it’s easy for me to have rough days. But he’s observed, and rightly so, that I avoid going out, and it’s not the first time he’s mentioned this.

On top of this, my boyfriend has told me point blank, he’d rather see me on a rough day than not at all. So, I must admit, despite being given the opportunity to change my behavior, I haven’t.

This idiosyncrasy is but one of many; I have a lot of room for growth in my relationships – room to treat everyone more equitably and to be more accountable for the way I make others feel. Frankly, I see this home-body behavior as laziness, if not selfishness, on my part. I will own that. It’s not pretty, but it’s mine.

When I stop to think how my behavior is self-serving, I begin to realize how much I expect (demand) of others. My husband has always been very service-oriented and does his utmost to take care of me. This includes not insisting I get a 9 – 5 or even a part-time job.

I suspect I became a bit more spoiled after I broke my foot at the end of 2016. I grew accustomed to my hubby taking care of everything. And even though I’ve since resumed most of the household and yard chores, I haven’t considered the little and unexpected things I could be doing for my husband, those things which tell a man in no uncertain terms, “I love you,” “I believe in you,” and “I respect you.”

I may find writing to be challenging, but it’s not stressful in the way traditional jobs are. I’m at home, and my schedule is my own. There are complexities my husband deals with on a day-to-day basis that I don’t, and my freedom should show up in my relationship as a measure of balance. I should be making other areas of my dear hubby’s life easier. I should do more to support his hopes and aspirations, and to create an environment in which he can become the best version of himself.

I realize that however ‘good’ I perceive myself to be – as a spouse, a girlfriend, as a human being – there is always room to improve.

3 thoughts on “Opening My Eyes

  1. Sean D. Layton says:

    I can only imagine it’s tough to deal with the needs and expectations of multiple people. Do your husband and boyfriend ever interact or is it like two compartmentalized relationships with you as the common denominator? Having grown up in a traditional pair-bonded society, sociologically, I find this fascinating.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The HauteWife says:

      My husband and boyfriend interact on a regular basis, and often without me. They spend time together over common interests, as well. I think their friendship is a wonderful thing for both of them. I know it has been for me. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sean D. Layton says:

        I remember reading a book that looked at male violence among the great apes. It was interesting how humans and our closest genetic relative, the common chimp, are very similar (aggressive and jealous males fighting and seeking to dominate the group) while our other very close genetic relative, the bonobo chimp settled tension through sexual relations. They are very relaxed. Too bad humans can’t be more open like bonobos — jealousy causes so much chaos in our lives.

        Liked by 1 person

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