Practicing polyfidelity with my husband and boyfriend for the last 16 months has, in no small way, been a journey of self-discovery.
The addition of my boyfriend has increased my self-awareness, and this has helped me become a more observant and supportive partner and a better listener. I understand how a small amount of distance can enrich a healthy marriage. The cliché is true: absence makes the heart grow fonder. I appreciate my husband more because I miss him. As a result, I feel I’m becoming more attuned to his needs and desires.
In this span of time, I’ve also become more certain of my own agency. While I admit there are still times when I’m unsure of myself (we all are when we attempt something new), I’m more confident in who I am, in my values, and principles. I’ve gained more insight to my desires, and what I consider non-negotiables. I’m more comfortable standing my ground when others insist on conflict, and I’ve become willing to walk away from people and situations that don’t suit me.
I’m more willing to experiment and take risks. I took a huge step forward at a play party last month, when I topped someone other than my hubby. The party scenes I’ve done previously, with my hubby, were briefer and less intense, and I know I wasn’t pushing either of our limits.
“How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also If I am to be whole” ~ C.G. Jung
Truth be told, I’ve struggled a long time with my dominance. My introversion and anxiety put me at odds with this part of myself, as did a lifetime of low self-esteem. But I’m learning to embrace my shadow. You see, that’s the rub: my dominance comes from a dark place. But, it’s in recognizing what fuels my Dominant psyche, (vanity, ego, trauma, rage, cruelty), that I understand now why getting into that headspace has scared me. I’ve feared giving in to my dark half will cause me to lose control, and that I may inflict legitimate harm. I haven’t trusted myself to draw on both halves of my personality, to integrate the dark and the light. What I now realize is that if we hide the dark parts of ourselves out of shame, doubt, or fear, we cannot live fully. We must embrace our whole selves to experience truth, and truth to experience contentment, peace, and joy.
In the ‘arena’ of kink, I’ve discovered an affiliation for theatre. And this becomes a vehicle for satisfying those baser urges… I’m enough of an exhibitionist to get turned on by being on display. My more recent fitness gains play into this fetish as well. I feel so good about my body, I want to show it off. I want to turn heads. Yes, it is totally selfish, totally about ego and vanity. There are parts of me that are gluttonous and greedy, too. Rather than trying to stifle these part of me and run the risk of them coming out sideways or worse, I choose to express them in an environment where it’s safe to do so.
So, here I am. Drama queen. Corsets and latex. Snarls and claws. Vengeful Maleficent, with wings and horns.
Who might I be tomorrow?
Photo: Alexandru Matusciac (matusciac), Depositphotos.com