Perspectives on Polyfidelity

Welcome, lovely readers, to what I hope will be the first of many guest posts here on The HauteWife.

Because this blog focuses primarily on RELATIONSHIPS, I thought it wise to include the perspectives of my husband and boyfriend; not secondhand, filtered through my writing process, but in their own words. So, I’m excited to present today’s post, written by my boyfriend.


You may wonder how to immerse yourself in the wonderfulness that is polyamorous relationships. I’m confident I don’t know what to tell you because I don’t know what you’re made of. And I don’t have any experience seeking a poly situation. With the hope that it may provide some insight, here’s my story.

If you’re a reader of this blog, you already know that I’m kinky. I’ve had urges since I was too young to understand urges to tie up girls and have my way with them. My wife humored me in this department and occasionally indulged a bit of rope during sexy time as long as it wasn’t too restrictive or uncomfortable. The marriage ended for reasons having nothing to do with my proclivities, and I found myself on the dating circuit.

My dating experience was the usual dance: connect on a dating site, first date over coffee, and see each other again if there was some chemistry. A few of the first dates led to second and third dates, and in a couple of cases relationships stretched towards half a year before losing steam. In both of those cases it took me a couple of months to work up the nerve to bring up kink, and happily, they both had some interest.

After this second relationship came to an end I discovered online that there was a whole community of kinky people that enjoyed organized events and get-togethers. I had the brilliant idea that if I wanted to find a kinky woman to be in a relationship with I might have better luck looking for a compatible woman among those self-identified as kinky than hoping my luck would hold up with a compatible woman from the whole wide world who also happened to be kinky. It took a couple of months, but I finally screwed up my courage and attended my first munch. (A munch is an open gathering of kinky people, usually over a meal at a restaurant. There may or may not be some sort of program or discussion, and except for the topics of conversation nothing happens that would scandalize a civilian.)

Each munch made the next one less terrifying to walk into. After several months of confidence building I arrived at a munch on the late side and found few seating options. I spied an open seat across from an attractive woman who I immediately sized up as being out of my league. Going against every past behavior I took that seat and introduced myself to her and other folks nearby and greeted a few I already knew. Before too long she made a flirty comment directed my way, and I responded in kind. A bit later I picked up on the fact that she was sitting next to her husband. The flirting escalated, the husband seemed unfazed. I was confused but enjoyed the attention. After a particularly egregious comment on her part I suggested I ought to spank her for it. She reacted with mock horror. And a smile.

Flirting led to on-line conversation on kinky facebook, on-line conversation led to conversation over coffee, conversation over coffee led to a recognition of kindred spirits and undeniable chemistry, recognition led to play dates where we did kinky things together. There was awkwardness on both my and her husband’s parts about discussing our respective relationships so she mediated for us. I came to know their relationship as solid, devoted, and with desires they were comfortable addressing outside their relationship. I found I have the capacity to be in a committed relationship with someone who had another committed relationship.

A genuine love and intimacy grew between us as we spent time together, got to know each other, and enjoyed exploring and expanding our common kinks. Not yet six months into our relationship, she and her husband suffered the devastating loss of their son of which she has written in this blog. Our relationship as it had been was guillotine-chopped away. I had told her that if her happiness required me to withdraw from her life I would do so, sadly but without hesitation. The level of trauma they experienced admits no room for anything beyond emotional survival mode, so I retreated to a safe distance to let them begin the process of dealing with their grief. I kept in touch to let her know I cared and was invested in her and their well-being. We occasionally met for lunch to catch up, and there were intervals of a year or two where even lunch was more than the situation could bear.

During that time I found myself in another relationship, again with a married kinky woman, again not something I actively sought. This gets convoluted, so I’ll call her A. A knew of my other girlfriend and met her a couple of times. A’s husband is kink-aware and supportive though not himself kinky. Her home is a several-hour drive away, and we made it work. During this time I was contacted on okcupid by a local woman (B). On-line communication, coffee, and a few months of successful dating later I told B about A. Let’s just say that B and I were compatible except where it concerned polyamory. A family tragedy two years later in A’s life sapping her kink mojo plus the distance meant our relationship has become less intimate over the past couple of years.

I found I have the capacity to be in more than one committed relationship at a time. As the long-distance relationship with A changed, our dear HauteWife told me over lunch one day that she and her husband had come to a place where rekindling the poly relationship with me was a possibility.

One part of me did a fist-bumping happy dance and shouted “Hell, Yeah!” while another more somberly acknowledged that a lot of time and experiences had passed on everyone’s parts. There was no picking up right where we left off; for one thing, we couldn’t exactly remember where that was. So we talked, the two of us, and this time the three of us, about what it might look like this time around. How did I feel about her desire to search out a bull? (You go, girl!) Did we feel any energy around sexual intimacy between me and her husband? (No, not really.) How would the guys relate to each other? (Work on building a friendship.) What would we like to do differently this time around? (I desired “real” dates, overnights, the possibility of an occasional out-of-town trip, and a more comfortable relationship with her husband.) How had our kink interests evolved? (Not as much as we feared.) And dozens of other things.

The refrain to successful polyamorous relationships is communication, communication, communication. We communicated like it mattered because it did. After a couple of months of soul-searching and the aforementioned communicating we told each other we wanted to give polyamory verse two the old college try. In my car in a restaurant parking lot after a munch we’d just attended we sealed it with a kiss, our first in forever. We count that day as our anniversary. There have been many more ups than downs, and there’s been so much communication—and a shared google calendar. It’s been a wonderful fourteen months now. I am blessed to have them in my life.

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