Practical Polyfidelity

If I have any frustration with my relationships, it’s how much my low sensory tolerance  affects them. I detest getting so broken down that I don’t have energy for my husband and boyfriend. And it seems the older I get, the more my sensitivities bother me, despite my efforts to avoid overstimulation.

A fun trip to Vegas turned into weeks of bronchitis. An asthma attack on our flight to Costa Rica left me tired and headache-ridden while we were there, and more than a little crabby when we were on our way home. (I guess I never wrote much about that day at the airport…I’m pretty sure all three of us are repressing those memories….)

In other words, I take the fun out of fun. And that sucks. That’s not the person I want to be.

I mean it. I hate being cranky. I hate feeling so miserable that the only mode I have left is EVIL BITCH (and INTJs are the evilest of EVIL BITCHES). But, it happens. And I’m so very fortunate the men I love endure my periodic psychoses with grace and a gentle touch.

This week I spoke with my husband and boyfriend about my home/away arrangements. Over the last year, we aimed for one to two nights a week where I’d stay at my boyfriend’s. Over the last two months, I’ve struggled to maintain that frequency, due to headaches, fatigue, and illness. And it’s frustrating for everybody when I have to cancel.

My hubby let me know recently how much he’s grown to appreciate alone time. I think that is awesome, of course; I love alone time, so I don’t want to deprive him of his.

Considering how well my body deals with changes, (like sleeping in a different bed, or having different heat and humidity settings – all the little differences I may not think about, but my nervous system racks up as ‘overload’), I thought it might be good to try a different schedule. So, now we’re going to aim for overnights twice a month, where I stay 2 – 3 nights, rather than 1 – 2.

I hope this can address a portion of the fatigue, and that it improves the quality of the time I spend with both my men. And by that, I mean that I’m not edging toward the EVIL BITCH who showed her face at ATL International Airport not too long ago.

There is also the benefit of having weekend time with my hubby, which I’ve appreciated already yesterday and today. We decided to go for brunch, and while we were out, we talked about things that we’ve let slip lately: budget and vacation scheduling and work that still needs to be done on the house…the kind of conversations we don’t have at the end of the day. It’s amazing how many things fell off our radar. I’m really pleased that we’re refocusing on priorities and finances, so I’m taking this weekend as a sign that this is a positive move.

While I’ve been home this weekend, my boyfriend has been clearing some more space for me; to make it feel more like a home away from home, so that if I need a change of scenery but don’t want to be “out”, I can feel free to spend time there.

It is hard to describe the feeling – how humbling it is when you realize how much you are loved, when you can see how much room people make for you in their lives. My husband has always created space for me – intellectually, creatively, emotionally – I dare say I’d not be the rational, healthy, and hopeful person I am today if it weren’t for him.

To have another man in my life who does this seems nothing short of miraculous.

So, I want to limit the opportunities for EVIL BITCH to appear. In order for that to happen, I need to be intentional – even about details that are irrelevant to most other people.

And that’s okay.

If there’s anything I’ve learned over the last year, it’s that Practical Polyfidelity means Doing What’s Right For You.






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