Whether we’re mono or poly, challenges arise in our romantic relationships for a variety of reasons. At times, these challenges have zero to do with the relationship itself. They are simply a consequence of other stresses in our lives, (work, health, family), and our innate responses to stress.
In the 90s, when I was working as a Project Manager, the concept of High Performance Teams was all the rage. As a result, our organization undertook an effort to help create and develop HPTs. One of the tools they used was an individual-level assessment called Personalysis®.
The Personalysis tool is based in several widely-accepted psychological concepts. Chief among these are Jungian theory of personality, (and consequently, the MBTI 16 types), and Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Based on a person’s responses to the questionnaire, the tool provides an overview of the individual under typical, optimal, and stressful conditions, as well as recommendations for managing stressors and methods for drawing on the individual’s preferences and strengths. It is actually a very powerful tool, if put to use.
One of the critical components of a person’s assessment is the detailed description of how they are likely to react under stress. What happens when a person’s basic needs are threatened? How do they behave when they’re afraid or insecure?
Under sufficient stress, it’s possible for us to become people we don’t recognize. Our behavior becomes unpredictable, illogical. We resort to tactics we’d never consider under normal circumstances, because the fight or flight survival instinct overrides our higher executive functioning.
The best thing we can do (as partners, friends, parents – essentially, in ANY relationship) is to seek an understanding – or minimally, to suspend judgment – of others’ behavior, and to analyze our own when we observe things as being out of place; when a loved one turns into someone we don’t recognize, or the person we don’t recognize is us.
If we can approach these challenging situations from a standpoint of curiosity…if we are willing to ask ‘why?’, and accept that part of the answer lies in who we are, (if we are faced with a problem, we are inherently part of it; therefore, solving the problem requires us to solve something about ourselves), then it becomes possible for us to be more understanding, patient, and compassionate with those we may be in conflict with, and that includes ourselves.
References and Further Reading:
TitanHR.com (Personalysis) Example Report
Simply Psychology – Maslow’s Hierarchy
Meyers Briggs Foundation – Type and Relationships
Psychology Junkie – Type Reactions to Stress
Psychology Junkie – Inferior Function and Grip
Psychometrics – Type Stress and Grip
Amazon.com Author Page – Naomi L Quenk
