I’ve mentioned before that authentic living is a gateway to profound joy. It is also a challenge; authenticity often flies in the face of social convention.
From where I stand, it is a challenge worth accepting.
Polyamory and kink allow me to express my personality in diverse ways, so I feel more whole as a person. Take my playful side, for example. With my boyfriend, it comes out submissively as “brattiness” (yes, I will wiggle my ass at you and dare you to spank me…and don’t tell me you don’t love it, too). With my husband, the playfulness takes on a more controlling, sadistic tone (I’m doing this to you just because I can, and you’re powerless to stop me, muahahaha.)
I can’t explain precisely why I feel more whole; perhaps having outlets for expressing both submission and Dominance affords me a kind of emotional homeostasis.
To be honest, I think we all live fragmented lives to one degree or another. There are parts of ourselves we hide or downplay for any number of reasons. Perhaps we deny that part out of fear we’ll be judged for it; we fear the reactions of friends or family or society as a whole. There are parts of us, too, that seem so contrary to the rest of our makeup that we are challenged to acknowledge they exist. Exploring my sadistic side has been a slow process because those desires kinda scare the shit out of me. It’s hard work coming to terms with the fact I enjoy inflicting pain. After years in the lifestyle, I only now feel safe indulging that desire; I am trying to let go of fear and trust my partner to provide feedback and prevent me from doing real harm.
As I accept and integrate these disparate parts, I find I’m more relaxed. I live more comfortably in my own skin, and that comfort gives rise to a deepened playfulness, perhaps even a child-like attitude toward life. Living as my truest self, I feel free, and every moment is a perfect moment to play and enjoy being alive.
Life is short, so live it NOW.
Good chocolate is always worth it. And good cheesecake.
Do the fun things. Take the risks.
Be your impossible self.