Over the last few weeks, I’ve become more accustomed to the activities that – not long ago – represented a rather dramatic shift in the way my husband and I live our lives. Familiarity becomes a blessing; even the most positive change is still change…and the stress of it is a disruptive force, to say the least. But now, I feel as though I’ve found my ‘sea legs’, and I’m happy to exchange the thrill of novelty for a more relaxed sense of anticipation and fulfillment.
My husband and I have been examining and discussing polyamory more extensively. We’ve realized that where my lover/boyfriend is concerned, we are creating a committed, multiperson relationship; a “V”, wherein I am the hinge point and they are the ends. Just this past weekend, the three of us spent a largely ‘vanilla’ day and evening together, allowing my husband and boyfriend to get to know one another better. We expect to make a regular practice of this, to deepen our connections with each other.
When I pause to think about our poly relationship, I feel a great peace and contentment. I love and am madly in love with my husband and my boyfriend. I am so blessed that these two kind, loving, generous, kinky, amazing men love me, and that they embrace our very un-traditional family.
The other man I’ve been seeing, (my bull), is separate from this ‘cluster’ of ours. While I like him, I don’t see myself becoming emotionally attached to him, and I find myself feeling incresingly ambivalent about our arrangement. There’s nothing horribly wrong with it, but relationships in any form require effort. I recognize that I don’t feel a strong motivation to work through the small challenges that are cropping up, but I don’t feel upset or frustrated that things aren’t going as well as they could. The issues that are surfacing would not have become as evident without physical intimacy, so I’m not wringing my hands in regret. I’m just acknowledging that I want something different, and there is nothing bad, shameful, or wrong with that.
I am, after all, a woman… It’s only natural for me to change my mind.