Dipping my toes back into BDSM waters after seven years, I’m discovering where I really need to push myself far outside my comfort zone. This is especially true in relating to Amy as her Mistress. Last night, I delivered her punishment; and teetering between the notion I needed to be harder and more sadistic, and the worry of hurting my pet too much, I opted for caution. As a result, I felt disappointed in myself, and I sensed Amy was disappointed, too.
Because our relationship is more complex than simply Mistress and submissive, I decided this was discussion-worthy. I wanted to let her know I was aware of the short-comings in the discipline I meted out. I’m sure I could’ve just as easily said nothing and tried to put on more confident airs; but the truth is, I was struggling with confidence, and it was important that I communicate my awareness of it, and my intent to improve in this area.
I reminded Amy of my ongoing conversations with a new friend of ours, a person who has become a guide and mentor. A man whose wicked wizardry I could never hope to equal…but I’m having a lot of fun picking his brain.
Ohhh, the sorcery I will unleash!
Eventually, any way.
Amy appeared much reassured by my admission, and she disclosed she’d been expecting a much harder, longer beating. When I explained my concern of slipping from hurt to actual harm, she helped steer me straight…by saying,
“you know that if it was becoming more than I could bear, I would’ve said something.”
Ahhhh, yes. Safewords. How could something so simple, yet essential, have slipped my mind?
I know the things I learned before will come back to me in time and with practice. Until then, I need to cut myself a little slack while I push myself forward. I need to remind myself:
Everyone falls on their ass when they’re learning to walk.