Last night my pet shared with me some observations she’s made about our new cuckold arrangement. Some of them related to my attitude and approach at home (for example, clearer expectations and punishment when expectations are not met), some related to the way I am going about my search for sexual partners, and some related to the fact that I am now openly writing about our experience. I had to agree with my pet about what she is seeing in me…I am not the same person I was when we tried this before.
When I first began seeking other partners, about 8 1/2 years ago, I was very timid and unsure of myself. It wasn’t just anxiety over what I should expect, or what other men might want of me; I was just downright ashamed of myself for my sexual needs and proclivities. Women who did these kinds of things were…well, despicable, dirty, somehow less-than “normal”.
I was also very insecure. I seldom felt truly attractive. I have a lot of peculiar quirks, and while a winning personality isn’t necessarily the key to finding men who want to have sex with you, I wasn’t very confident about my physical appearance, either.
And so, while I indulged in sex with a few other men, I was also slut-shaming and body-shaming myself. Not a great combination for success in any form. And my lack of confidence wore on my pet. If I wasn’t feeling good about myself in this arrangement, if I was in constant doubt about what I was doing, what sense of security could Amy have?
And so I withdrew, until now.
I’ve realized that my opinion about female sexuality – and about my own – was largely driven by cultural norms…the kind that praise a highly sexual man as a stud, but denigrate a highly sexual woman a filthy whore. I’ve realized that having a large appetite for sex isn’t inherently bad, and that it certainly doesn’t make me a bad person, or a bad woman. And I’ve realized that pursuing my desires is a profoundly liberating experience.
I’ve also come to see that I’ve measured myself against an unrealistic ideal. I’m not 5’9″, and never will be. I’ll never have legs that go up to here. I have cellulite on my butt and thighs. SO WHAT. Beauty and sensuality start on the inside. Desirability is a state of mind.
This time, I’m ready to embrace my inner slut. I’m ready to accept and love her for exactly who she is.
I am a hot-wife; and this time, I am owning it.